Burn-Out

As much as I'm aware that I don’t look like what I have been through… my friend said to me the other day: “Babe, you are the chief of not taking care of yourself.” WAUW! I love when my people speak truth, but this one hit home so deeply ’cause I felt so seen, but this time: finally, with my own eyes. 

For 35 years I have been giving my all and have gone above and beyond… only to realize I was lacking the most important fundamental of life: Love (take care of) yourself FIRST…. Never have I believed that taking care of myself on these new layers was a priority. Sounds wild but brutally honest: It’s my truth. I believed I would be ok one way or the other (I’m a tough cookie and used to have energy for days), so I kinda just always put myself last. Not in a victim’s kinda "poor me" way, more the opposite. More in a back straight, shoulders down and chin up kinda way. I was living my passion, so that was filling my cup, right?

Pfffff, oh, how wrong was I.

What if I told you: You can live your passion and still end up out of alignment?

What if I told you that a burn-out is the universe’s way of showing you, you are going in the wrong direction? 

Burned out?

You feel it?

It’s the universe guiding you to reconsider your choices.

I felt like someone had pressed the brake real hard. What did I learn? You have to accept, listen, feel, rest, pivot and heal it through. But I’m not talking about healing through the tears of (growing) pains. No, we know that one. I’m talking about healing to the extent you no longer look at yourself the same way and therefore your entire timeline shifts. The one where you become a new version of yourself and now it requires you to let go of everything that no longer serves you. Yes, you’re forced to let go of all the things that are draining you or are no longer a priority or in alignment within this moment, with this version of
yourself. 

My burn-out made me crash out so I could see clearly. What if it wasn’t about how to handle more? What if it was about finally letting go of all the parts I no longer had the energy to hold onto any longer? I was forced to make room. I hit a wall and I finally let go. Only realness could stay. After a lifetime of pushing through, I allowed myself to wave the white flag. Game Over: That version of me is out. I’m officially defeated. 

The moment my body felt safe in this new territory of releasing and therefore relaxing… the burn-out was finally able to be felt. And, oh boy, I was completely burned out. On a scale of one to ten, I felt like a minus 100. 

Through allowing my body to breathe in this space, every single feeling of imbalance that was stuck in my body and had been craving for this space, yet never received it, was being seen and finally felt. And this takes a lot of energy. I was already physically and mentally exhausted because of the lifestyle I’d just jumped out of (I had been pushing myself since the age of 11), but now I also became even more emotionally and spiritually exhausted because I finally allowed my body to fully hold the exhaustion. I no longer had to function in fight or flight mode and I simply whispered every day that it was safe to rest and that it was safe to listen to its needs.

I slept every night for 13 hours and would wake up exhausted! Getting dressed was like the heaviest task. My entire being shut off. My battery was so dead that at night, in bed (before sleep), my body couldn’t rest and was filled with adrenaline. It was so used to pushing through in every state that it wasn’t sure if I had to go to bed or run a marathon. It was non-stop fight – ready to attack.

Once the adrenaline left, the heaviness became heavier before it lifted. It was everything but cute. I had nothing left to give, and the only way up was with new guidelines. SLEEP UNTIL THERE IS NO MORE SLEEP LEFT.

• Step 2: New boundaries.
• Step 3: Solitude.
• Step 4: Sleep, sleep, sleep.
• Step 5: Listen to your body.
• Step 6: Reinvent your connection with joy.
• Step 7: Do something that gives you energy.
• Step 8: Did you eat today?
• Step 9: Where is your water?
• Step 10: Do a self-care activity.
• Step 11: Just be. 

On top of this, I was in deep reflection, which took another bomb of energy on the daily. I know for a fact, at night, my sleep wasn’t only recharging my body, it was also rebalancing and progressing my emotional and energetic state and nervous system. I did my best to fill my cup in all the ways that felt right within
the moment, which was a challenge, as “life keeps going,” and as much as you temporarily want to tap out, it's hardly possible. (Self-reminder: “No” is a full sentence.)

I stopped planning and started feeling. I can be an overthinker and an overanalyzer. Which means, my brain and I can easily go down a rabbit hole of figuring out all the logistics while showing me which patterns I had to break to be able to get me out of this burn-out. Yet instead, I reminded myself that I am willing and able and capable to get out of this burn-out. Yet, I allowed my body to guide me in the most efficient way: not from the mind but from the body. 

It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. Especially ’cause nobody around you understands what you feel. ’Cause you look the same… or, your frequency can still be high(er), so you must be fine, right? 

But internally, you feel like the red battery stripe on a phone that has been dying non-stop, while still functioning. You know the one that charges real good to 100 then drops after 2 hours to 3 percent and then stays in that 3 percent for another 6 hours before it crashes out? That’s what I felt like almost daily. Like a broken battery that was non-stop thirsty for a plug.

I allowed my body to speak and to rest in all the ways it was craving. 

More inspiration on how to rest, best.

My body speaks to me daily and some days I'm still fooled… as I sometimes think I'm charged enough so I give my energy out and then it takes me another week to come back, as I realize I still gave too much. In case you are as stubborn as me… as long as you keep pouring from an unfilled cup, you are the only one
ending up empty! All of that to say: I now know that a burn-out is basically the short version of saying you have given more than you received for way too long. Please make it stop.

I decided to take it day by day and reminded myself that I deserve to pour into myself. I deserve to BE more and do less. I was able to change my energy from chasing to attracting, as I finally felt safe and supported in my own system to do so. And this shift changed the whole game! I already knew how to fly or sink and get back up. But now, I know how to keep floating.

This burn-out taught me: 
All the pain was preparing me for my purpose. And to be able to step into that chapter, my nervous system has to be able to hold it. This burn-out took me out! Yet it created space to allow back only the pieces which give me energy.

I feel like I have made it to the other side and I have become LOVE – with a spine. 

In the past, I always kept the peace at the cost of my own but something suddenly had shifted: My whole life I was willing to do the most for everyone and now I had no other choice but learn to do the most for me. 

THANK UUUUU-niverse for letting me hit rock bottom. I mean, I thought I’d hit rock bottom a dozen times, but this one made me go “Game Over,” for sure. And even today, I no longer feel the same. It takes a lot of me to be around others. It takes even more to remind others I don’t have energy. And it takes the most to ignore my own needs. Boundaries are a must. And resting, shutting off, unplugging and truly letting go of all and everyone until my energetic body is back in balance is key. (Keeping it there is no longer negotiable. It’s a must.)

At this moment, my cup still isn’t full. In other words, what I give is still in lack of myself. And therefore, I’m getting stricter by the day, as it’s not that I’m having a great time when feeling empty either. Yet I have really learned how to pour into myself more, and that on its own is a new experience I’m really enjoying. 

I can probably eventually say it will have taken me 35 weeks to get back, after 35 years of not quitting.

Does this mean I'm adding a 35-minute nap to my day, nowadays, to prevent not resting enough. Absolutely.

I no longer decide if I'm able to do something based on the free time I have. Nowadays, I answer based on the energy I have. I may be free for 24 hours. But if that task is asking, in 5 minutes, still too much energy for me, then a no is still a no. It may have come across as selfish, but in my eyes, I am simply being smart. And I trust that my own body is the smartest (for myself). 

My favorite question I ask to get closer to the lightness I know I can feel inside (again):

What are you still tolerating that your highest self would never accept? 

Now, live from that place.

P.S. When I was deep in my burn-out, I often had this PLAYLIST on repeat as my 1-hour music meditation (lay down, close your eyes and intentionally LISTEN). I no longer vibrate with it the way I used to, which is a great thing, ’cause that means I'm elevating! But during those dark days, listening to this was very uplifting and healing.