Ego-Death

 It was like I was at my own funeral. It was unbelievable. Never did I ever think I would experience something like it. For as long as I can remember, I’ve known who I am. I’m a dancer. I would scream it from the buildings, whisper it in people’s ears or express it through a smile. It wasn’t just something I did. It was who I was. That identity shaped everything: my choices, my values, my lifestyle, my world. 

And suddenly, life pulled the rug out from under my feet. I didn’t just stumble, I fell. Why? Because it was time to move away from holding myself limited within this “dancer” identity. Pffff! I wasn’t prepared for that. Not because I lost dance, because deep down, I know I will always be a dancer. And yet, it was time to release the version of me that was defined by it. It was time to open a new door. And with that… I had to close another.  

I was grieving every single version of myself: all the Solanges I had to become to get to this moment in time. All the Solanges who healed themselves through dance, and all the Solanges who were created through dance. I was grieving non-stop. All the Solanges who were shaped by it. All the versions of me that needed that identity to survive, to grow, to belong. And within that grief, I realized something confronting: My greatest love… had also become my limitation.  

What once gave me expansion had started to create contraction, and what used to feel like freedom began to feel like containment. My soul simply knew: It was time to expand! 

My last show in Puerto Rico, I cried the entire show! My mind had no idea what was next, yet my soul felt it. TEARS, 2 hours non-stop of tears running down my cheeks. Sexy face, a thousand steps and millions of tears. My soul already knew what my mind couldn’t comprehend. Within the moment, I had no clue why I was SO emotional. Yet, looking back, it all makes perfect sense. My soul was already saying goodbye to that version of myself, even though my mind hadn’t even received this information yet.  

This loss of my ego, “the image you thought you were and was all of you,” went together with experiencing a lot of pain, hard times of acceptance (accepting the new now and this new version of myself), moments of feeling lost, doubts arising and waves of insecurity.  

I chose (was forced to choose) many moments to hold space for myself, to slow down. To meet “her” again. Who actually am I? So many new questions! What moves me towards the direction which represents who I am now? And, while I was figuring out how to take new steps each day, I kept asking myself:

Who am I becoming as I move? 

I was (am) now on a major journey of reconnecting and discovering who I am. I ask myself with each connection, situation or moment:

Does this give me expansion or exhaustion?

Does this feel aligned or no longer connected with myself?  

I discovered many moments where I felt challenged to trust my body and soul fully. This can be a hard challenge! But so necessary. Honest awareness of where and who I am is key! I mean, I have/had to totally rediscover what feels aligned to me now (not then). 

Other questions I asked:  

Am I within this moment reacting from pressure or responding to alignment?

Am I operating from a place of love (heart) or fear (mind)?  

Letting go of my identity the way I knew it has been one of the deepest heartbreaks of my life.  

“Who died?” I did.  

But when it fell away… something unexpected happened.  

Space, new thoughts, a deeper connection to my body, an openness in my heart I hadn’t fully felt before, and an expanded soul which leveled up. And I realized I had been holding onto beliefs that no longer belonged to me. 

I believe thoughts are just thoughts, and beliefs are thoughts you keep repeating so often you start to act on them. And the more you act on them, the stronger your beliefs become. But the moment you’re able to do the helicopter view and see from outside into this cycle, you will realize that certain beliefs deserve new thoughts.  

The craziest part? The moment I accepted my new reality from a place of trust… everything shifted. 

I discovered the only way through feeling this fear (of the not knowing) is trusting (myself). ’Cause what is opposite of fear? TRUST! This is even when your ego resists, especially, when it searches for validation, direction or approval outside of yourself (most dangerous). Specifically then, you have to start trusting yourself and your faith more. ’Cause the ego will always look outward, yet your soul guides you inward. 

Also, I want to clarify that I’m not saying my mind no longer has a say, as I don’t ever want to silence it. I love my mind! I just want to recognize when it takes over, and pause long enough to question: 

Does this belief still belong to me?

Do I still resonate with this?   

We need the mind. We need the ego to execute, but the execution should come after alignment always and only, initiated by the heart and soul, felt in the body and then carried out by the mind.  

The moment you (re)turn from your mind back into your body, your life (re)aligns.  

Awareness rises, direction becomes intuitive instead of forced, and life becomes something you feel, not something you try to control. Your mind then becomes a powerful tool instead of a controlling force.  

The mind = ego 

Your heart/intuition = soul 

I finally was able to accept the “new now.” And more importantly, to meet myself inside of it. This version of me now? She feels different. Softer, stronger and more connected. She feels soulful, wise and aligned. She feels like she has finally arrived home and is yet stepping into the unknown, all at the same time. 

I’ve stepped into the unknown a thousand times, yet this time it feels different. I’m not turning another page or starting a new chapter once again. This moment in time, I’m writing an entire new book! Yet, at the same time, I don’t think I’ll start over fully, because I feel deeply that I step into who I always was meant to be.  

P.S. It’s almost ironic how what I believed I experienced as an ego death was once something born from my soul, from my truth. Yet, it suddenly had quietly reshaped itself into another identity of the ego the moment I drifted out of alignment. (Life was changing my life-train-tracks, and I believe was communicating this by creating this internal shift.)  

It’s a subtle shift, almost invisible, how the mind can claim even the things that were meant to free it. That’s why it’s essential to return to yourself, again and again, daily.

To question yourself gently but honestly:

Where are you moving from?  

The noise of your mind or the quiet knowing of your heart? 

I discovered that answering your soul’s calling is not a one-time thing but, rather, a lifelong dance created by the heart.